It’s a weird ol’ life… October 13, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in life, random thoughts.Tags: life, random thoughts
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Yesterday was a good day. Me and my other half took our daughter on a steam train. She loved it! Kept making ch-ch-ch noises and squealing with giddiness! It was really lovely to see her have such fun. I am lucky enough to live in a town that is surrounded by some great countryside and is served by the East Lancashire Railway. I am not a big train enthusiast but there is something a bit special about travelling on a steam train.
I am still having anxiety/panic attacks but they are definitely a lot milder than 2 weeks ago and I feel I am beginning to take back some control. That is why yesterday was so good. My poor daughter has had to watch her mummy breath into a paper bag, burst into tears at the drop of a hat and just generally go into some sort of twilight zone! She was so good though throughout the whole weirdness. I felt sorry for her and then naturally I felt guilty.
Someone asked me the other day, how I was doing. I laughed and said, “well, I feel like I can’t breath half of the time, (my OH) is in agony with his back (2 prolapsed discs – eek), I have a sex offender living across the hall from me, there is a nutty teenager living next door who likes to party ’til 6am and my washing machine’s broken. Apart from that everything is fine…”
Breathing into a paper bag (is no fun). October 9, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in depression, life, panic attack.Tags: depression, panic attacks
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Two weeks ago I had the most terrifying thing ever happen to me. I had a panic attack.
It had been a normal day, me and my little one had been to visit my sister and nephew and came home in time for tea. I had this weird feeling like I had to breath in really deep to get my breath. I managed to give my LO her tea but it was getting worse the whole time. I got this feeling like I wanted to run away. I panicked big time. I just couldn’t get my breath (so I thought).
I phoned my partners mother because I did realise I was having a panic attack and she suffers from them herself. She told me to get a paper bag and breath into it. I couldn’t find one. She said go to the walk-in-health centre and that she’d meet me.
Somehow I managed to get my LO ready, order a cab and do the 10 minute journey to the health centre. An hour and a half later I got to see a doctor (the receptionist gave me a bag to breath into). When I say it was the worse thing ever I am not exaggerating (it was worse than giving birth)!
He said it was anxiety that brought on the attack. He prescribed 5 valium teblets and sent me on my way. I thought that would be the end of it but no it wasn’t. Over the following week I was having 3 or 4 panic attacks a day. It was a living hell. I managed to see my own doctor who prescribed more valium and some anti – depressents.
2 weeks later I am feeling much better, more like my normal self. I am not taking the valium now as the anti-depressents have kicked in (guess, you were right Ordinary Freak, depression is a sneaky bastard and this is what can happen if you don’t go for help soon enough).
I thought I was losing my mind and that I’d never feel normal again but (incase anyone else is going through something similar), you can get through it. I guess you have to dig in and believe you will get better. I think it’s nature’s way of telling you that you’re doing something wrong!!
The Only Way To Quit Is To Quit September 21, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in life, quitting smoking, random thoughts, smoking.Tags: life, quitting smoking, smoking
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The Iceman Cometh is a great film. I know there have been a couple of versions of this but the one I am referring to is the one starring Lee Marvin and a very young Geoff Bridges. It’s about pipe dreams and how bascially our hopes and dreams, no matter how unlikely they are, keep us going. It’s about what happens when those pipe dreams are dismissed. Reality and the realisation of pipe dreams. Originally written as a play by Eugene O’ Neil there is some great dialogue in it. Specifically, I love the classic 10 minute (approx) monologue spoken by Lee Marvin, it’s just brilliant writing and acting.
However, this blog is not wholly about this film except to say it is what has made me decide to stop smoking (again). The only way to quit is to quit is a line from The Iceman Cometh. Yes, it is stating the obvious but I totally get it. For ages, I have felt guilty for smoking, especially since having my daughter. Every cig I light is becoming less and less enjoyable and more and more guilt laden and to put it bluntly quite disgusting. Every cig I have lit for the last couple of years has only prompted me to open the “I really must quit” dialogue with myself. So yes, the only way to quit is to quit.
The Early Years
I was 13 years old and curious to know what smoking was like. Strangely, I liked the smell. My parents did not smoke but my best friends mother did (who, incidently died about a year ago from a huge heart attack). It used to fascinate me watching her inhale and exhale. I guess she was a bigger influence on me than I could have imagined. The first cig i tried was actually one that I found in the street – bleuugggh! It was a whole one not a dimp (’cause that makes it better). I remember lighting it in our back garden when my parents were out. I breathed in, not really inhaling properly and then thought, “Is that it? What’s all the fuss?” I told my best friend who then told me she had tried one of her mums. To cut a long story short she began pinching cigs off her mum and we’d go and smoke in the park or somehwere out of the way. So began my nicotine addiction, 18 years ago.
Welcome To Reality
Until quite recently it seemed like everyone I knew smoked. It was just something everyone did. Make a coffee, have a cig. Have a chat and a cig. Make a phone call, light a cig (and hear the other person light up). A good meal & a cig. Go to the shop, have a cig. Let’s have a cig. I’ll have one with you. Just having a cig. And on it goes.
I know at least 5 people who have died in recent years – all smokers. I know someone who has COPD. Not pretty. That should be enough, shouldn’t it? Enough to make a person see sense. I don’t think it works like that though. Addiction and things making sense? Addiction and reason? Even the nurse at my smoking cessation clinic is a smoker! I go in to see her and we end up laughing over the fact we still smoke…Last time I saw her I said “I don’t know why we’re laughing, it isn’t funny really.” She agreed of course but probably went to light up after I’d gone. What a joke.
I have cut down considerably since having my daughter and since the smoking indoors ban (including no smoking in my flat). My OH has quit and so has his mother. My best friend who I began smoking with quit years ago. So now it’s my turn.
The Only Way To Quit Is To Quit
So, tomorrow morning I shall become an ex-smoker. Hi, my names’s ***** and I am a nicotine addicted social leper. Ha – not any more. I have my gum, my inhaler, my daughter’s gorgeous face and laugh and my new mantra. I may have mentioned it…The only way to quit is to quit.
I am an artist, I am not an animal. September 11, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in random thoughts.Tags: art, craft, creativity, Paris
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Three years ago I went to Paris and the title of this blog is what someone actually said to me. He said it because he didn’t think I offered him enough money for his artwork. I had already been stung for a handmade bracelet and I was determined not to be robbed a second time. Besides, I didn’t really want a characature of myself. All my shortcomings magnified? No, thanks. Anyhow, I was polite and he acted all offended and hurt as I went on my merry way around Monmartre with strengthened resolve against parting with any more cash.
I was thinking about this episode as I dug out a couple of my own pieces of artwork a couple of days ago. When I got back from Paris, I was inspired to take up drawing again. This was something I had not done since college (1994). I was curious to know whether I could still produce anything half decent. I did a charcoal drawing of Pere Lechaise and a pencil drawing of the Sacre Coeur, I really enjoyed it and was quite relieved to find that the craft had not completely left me. So what did I do with them you may ask, these two pieces of art work that pleased me so much? I stuffed them into a couple of those clear plastic wallets, stuck them in a folder and shoved them into my wardrobe where they remained until a couple of days ago!
The reason I dug these drawings out was because I was talking to someone a couple of days ago who inspired me. She inspired me because even though I have known her for about eight years, I had no idea how creative she is. We had quite a long conversation about craft and creativity. It’s really nice to talk with someone who gets where your coming from!
So, where are my drawings now? They are hung up in my hallway (finally). It has only taken me three years to put them there!
Real life vacation August 3, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in life, random thoughts.Tags: bowie, life, random thoughts
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I’m back. Not that I expect everyone to have been wondering where I have been & not that I have actually been anywhere. I decided to stay off the internet for awhile and do some real life stuff. Actually it was a bit of a challenge I set for myself. Would I make it through the withdrawal? Cold turkey from the internet? Eek.
I made it. It was tough at first. What if someone makes some earth shattering comment on one of the many forums I visit and I MISS IT?? Oh the agony. I didn’t peek. Not once. The urge to go on Ebay and claim that fabulous bargain did not get the better of me. Not until this weekend anyway. I think I have managed about 2 weeks roughly.
In my time away I actually managed to finish reading a book, do some decorating (which I hate) and straighten out my flat (which had become something of a tip). Actually, it’s a bit of a mess now but my 18 month old daughter doesn’t quite get the concept of tidying up yet. I tidy, she gets everything out again! It doesn’t actually bother me. I have a toddler, my living room looks like a toy shop after a tornado has whipped through it (so fu**ing what)?????
xx
Extra: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhQa7pJDYS4 No real reason for posting this except to say I think it’s a great song. Love the guitar solos. Incase that was depressing, here’s something gorgeousss http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rllBPMbuvIY I love this vid, love the song. Love David Bowie. Gale Ann Dorsey looks so cool and is such a fabulous bass player (she inspired me to learn to play) Wow, I am in a sharing mood………. 
Mind fog July 14, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in random thoughts.Tags: pessimism, random thoughts, smoking
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It’s been a strange week. I’ve felt like the whole time I have been on some sort of ‘go slow’ . Like I’ve been wading through mud. Don’t know why. Nothing has happened, nothing has specifically made me feel this way. It’s been like one big sigh.
I should be grateful. Everyone is well, no real dramas and the other half’s ever present, perpetually visiting mother has finally moved. She lived next door to us but you would be forgiven for thinking she lived with us. Morning, noon and night the letter box would rattle then the ‘whistle’ to let us know it was her. That whistle..I used to think hmm I wonder who that is. I could have set my clock by her. The other thing was the constant “Why are you doing that?” , “I wouldn’t do that”, “Do it this way”…A comment for everything. I would often feel like a lesser mortal in her presence. And talk about sarcasm…Actually, I quite admire her ‘put-down’ capabilities, I sometimes wish that I could tap into that particular super-power, maybe fire it back in her direction. Aggghhh…but would I though?? Part of me misses the letter box rattling, morning, noon and night (and the whistle). You can get used to anything, you know.
That’s the problem though. Getting used to stuff. You get used to stuff then before you know it, total stagnation. I think I’m depressed. A little bit, something, I don’t know. Mind fog. I’ve been smoking way too much. What can I tell you? People bug me. I smoke. Too much. I feel guilty, I should quit for my daughter. People bug me. I smoke. On it goes. I have my gum and my inhalator. They’re sat on top of my kitchen cupboard. They are in themselves beginning to bug me. Like constant reminders of my failure to cease being a social leper and my failure as a human being. They and the other half’s mother have something in common.
Oh well, it’s a new week and I am hoping that the mind fog will lift and reveal something fabulous in it’s wake. Maybe I’ll win the lottery or something. Yes, that’s it, half full, not half empty. Sometimes I think I have a default mode that is set on pessimism. Mind you, I recently read a quote (dunno who said it) that made me smile. It was something in favour of being pessimistic. Something like it’s a good thing to be a pessimist because they are either often being proved correct or pleasantly surprised. Maybe us pessimists will have the last laugh yet…
xx
Dr Who: I am a kid again July 6, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in dr who, science-fiction, television.Tags: David Tennant, dr who, science-fiction, television
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All last week I was ridiculously excited. My brain (which should probably be put to better use) kept coming up with all kinds of possibilities as to how this series of Dr Who would conclude. Was it going to be the end of the road for this particular version of the Doctor? (Please nooooo). Why was Donna Noble so ’special’? Would Rose’s heart be broken all over again? (Aww). This is what has concerned me for most of the week.
If you don’t know who or what Dr Who is, type it in Google! Look it up in Wikepedia. It’s too complicated for me to explain well here…
As a child in the 80’s I loved Dr Who. Oh the anticipation, the excitement. I sooo wanted to be the Doctor’s companion! If I am honest, I still do. Yes, 31 years old and still very much willing to leap into a Tardis and travel the universe (especially if the Doctor is David Tennant). It’s funny really, I didn’t like David Tennant at all at first. I’d just got used to Christopher Eccleston’s Mancunian doctor when he regenerated into something completely different. That’s Dr Who for you though isn’t it? That’s what it’s about. I now feel that David Tennant has been the best Dr ever (are all Dr Who fans this fickle?). I don’t want him to regenerate! Me and Rose have something in common…
So how pleased was I last night when he regenerated into himself? YES!!! And then another one appeared. YES!!! (Seriously, Google it if you don’t know what I am talking about)…It was a fantastic conclusion to a fantastic series. A series which has made me laugh (Katherine Tate won me over. Didn’t like her either to begin with, now I have totally changed my opinion of her), made me cry and totally mesmerised me. Well done, and thanks to the entire Dr Who team for making me feel like a kid again and for also making Saturday night TV special once again. Brilliant.
Er, who’s Tony Montana then? June 21, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in clothes, family, life, movies, random thoughts.Tags: al pacino, clothes, Ebay, scarface, tshirts
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Without a doubt, I have an obsessive/addictive nature. One of my current obsessions is Al Pacino. Ever since watching The Godfather about a year ago I have been totally hooked on the man and his films. My other obsession is Ebay trawling…So combine the two and whatya got?? That’s right, plenty of fixes for my Al addiction…A ton of films and two rather large posters.
My most recent purchase (fix) was a t-shirt. I really wanted to advertise my fanaticism so I camped out on Ebay, lurking for that bargain.
I got it. A t-shirt for £2.20 (p&p of £2.00), woohooooo!
Several days later I heard a familiar thud at the front door, “that’s got to be it,” I thought and ran like a giddy 4 year old down the hall. Yes, it had arrived. I unwrapped it and was slightly annoyed at the fold creases and the fact I’d have to iron it (I wanted to wear it immediately). Anyway, I reluctantly ironed it (in record time), wriggled my way into it (it was slightly too small) and kind of swaggered my into the living room. I felt good.
Oh, I should probably tell you what is on the t-shirt. It is a Scarface related transfer (slightly wonky) with ‘Montana’ underneath the picture.
So, I go into the living room and purposely sit opposite my other half and the ever present, perpetually visiting, other half’s mother. I am very pleased for myself at this point. For about 10 minutes though, no one noticed. All of a sudden OH starts laughing and I think a little ”oh, God” was uttered. “What?” I enquire. OH’s mother peers at me then at OH, “What?” she enquires. “Bloody Al Pacino…” states OH and goes back to watching some astoundingly dreadful programme on one of the million & one channels we have, on the slightly ridiculous, ‘over-sized tv on a wall’, something like “Moronic chat show” on TheCrapChannel+1(I think that’s another post). “That’s nice” says OH’s mother, “thanks,” I say.
I sit for a few more minutes then, frustrated I get up and start pottering about. “Al Pacino…” utters OH again, “Let’s see it then..” I turn to face him so he can have a good look. “Who’s Montana?” he asks. Now I cannot quite believe this question because OH has seen Scarface with me about 3 times. He obviously was not paying attention. “Tony Montana,” I reply, “Who?” he asks. Now, I am thinking he is either winding me up or he actually, really does not share my Al obsession,
“Scarface, you know, fly pelican, fly. Cockerrroachees. Say hello to my little friend?…” I say in my best Tony Montana accent.
“Oh yeah,” he says, “What’s for dinner?”
Grrr. My sister was fairly nonplussed about this also. When I told her, she just said “oh right.” Then again, she didn’t even know who he was. She annoyed me. I sent her a rather nice picture of him (as a joke) and she, well she, *sighs in despair* said he was ‘fugly’. That hurt.
As for my t-shirt, well, I’d only worn it a couple of times before I spilt tomato sauce down it (over the machine gun part). Several washes later the (dodgy) transfer is looking a little bit the worse for wear and it is even more on the ’slightly too small’ side. I don’t care. I shall carry on wearing it regardless.
Yes Tony, you were right, they are all ‘cockerrroachees.’
.
Dude, where’s your ladder? June 18, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in random thoughts.Tags: 16 months, brush, cleaning, daughter, ladders, lunch, window
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So, I’m making lunch for myself and my 16 month old daughter when I hear a banging noise at the living room window. Now, we live in a third floor flat so banging at the living room window doesn’t happen too often. I go into the living room and my poor (usually fearless) daughter is backing up pretty sharpish away from said window. I look up to see what appears to be a normal yard brush sweeping my window. Then water came out of it and suddenly sense was made. Ah-haa, modern window cleaning. Why climb a ladder if you don’t have to?
I’ll kind of miss the sound of the ladder crashing and creaking against the wall though. Especially at 8.00 on a Saturday morning. Those ladders were like an early warning system, a prelude to the cleaning. “THE WINDOW CLEANER’S HERE”, shouted the ladders, “You have clothes on don’t you?” they would add as an afterthought.
I picked up my little girl who was really quite wide-eyed and tried to explain. “Clean. Wash. Cleaning window. All nice and clean. Look brush. Brush, brush. Man, a man is cleaning the window. Look”… She peered out of the window and saw the man in the high-visibility coat operating this brush and water thing. She stared for a bit, then the brush disappeared to which she bid a soft, “Bye bye”….
It’s late but I just gotta say… June 14, 2008
Posted by throwsarose in random thoughts.add a comment
Hello.
Been thinking about blogging for awhile and now finally ta-daa…Here I am at 1am Sunday 15th June 2008 just beginning my first blog. I am absolutely not going to attempt to say anything remotely deep or earth-shattering whilst I feel like I have a ton of sand in my eyes and a nagging voice in my head telling me to GO TO BED!
(I can see how this could get quite addictive).
Anyway, I promise that next time I shall write something interesting and make my mark on the (virtual) world.
Phew, first blog over I can now go to bed, where I will not sleep as I shall be thinking about what to write next time and that I could have surely come up with a better username.
Night night…
